Short and not so sweet...
I feel a little pathetic. I guess when a friendship ends it's always a little like a breakup. Things end and you're left wondering what went wrong. What did you do or say to put them off? Or if you're the dumper, how are they going to take you ending things or do you even care?
Historically, I have always had a difficult time making female friends. It's a little ironic considering all my strong bonds in life have mostly been with women. Men just seem to be easier. They are more forgiving of weirdness or faux pas. They're all in all pretty easy to read too. With women, I never know what to do. I've spent time with girls who have seemed to be really into me one moment and not to be found the next. I must have done something so unpleasant that they wanted to rid themselves of me. A lot of the time, I know what it is but sometimes I haven't a fucking clue. That is the thing that scares me most about entering into relationships with women; they can turn on a dime.
I have a tendency to distance myself from others to the point where I have very few close friends. It really isn't any wonder why I have difficulty relating to others at all. I look for people who aren't afraid to represent themselves as flawed. It is a societal expectation to introduce our best self to most people, only allowing those we are close to to know about our imperfections and insecurities. There is an honesty in not hiding these imperfections to others that I have always respected. Ability or willingness to discuss all different subject matters is another thing I look for in a potential friend. Can I have a conversation with him/her about something of meaning or just chitchat? I despise chitchat with all its superficiality and phoniness. All my close friends are willing to talk about or listen to anything and that is why they mean so much.
Well, I entered into a friendship with a girl recently "that came and went so fast she didn't even say goodbye." (as The Nails' song says) She is sharp, friendly and quick on her feet. She is also not ashamed to elude to her flaws while keeping a very bubbly show. Seeing some of myself in her, we became friends much faster than I have ever with anyone in the past. We talked about all things personal and trivial. We share a love of movies, pop culture and hatred of NPR. She has had many interesting experiences that have given her a well rounded point of view. I could go on about her nice qualities for several paragraphs but I choose not to.
There were some negative qualities that I possibly should have paid more attention to: the flakiness, the elitism, the extreme emotions. I accepted her flaws because she accepted mine. Or so I thought...
It genuinely feels as if one day something clicked and she began avoiding me. Her replies to my texts were less frequent and enthusiastic. I gave her space, hoping that our closeness would overcome whatever trepidation she was having about hanging out with me. Last I heard of her was an insincere brushoff text saying, "thanks for the good times" and "keep in touch." What the fuck? Seriously? I mean, seriously!
I say screw you, asshole. You greatly insult my intelligence which you hold in such high regard with that shit. You expect me not to notice that you are all eager to hang out all the time and then suddenly stop? It doesn't take someone too quick not to miss that. I'll hand it to you, you got the better of me. You got me to tell you all my ugly little secrets and then you split. Bravo! You not only poisoned the well, you made the water undrinkable from the source and the well needs to be drained, hazmat signs put up and the well cleaned with whatever industrial strength cleaner does the job.
An explanation of what is going on in that convoluted head of yours would be nice but I suspect it will go into the vault of the mysteries Lee's life. It really sucks when one of the two people in a situation has no idea what is going on.
Oh well, c'est la vie. As I always say, you gotta get knocked around in life to gain any sort of character. You gave me some good experiences and taught me that maybe I am right in being so cautious of people.