If my life was Curb Your Enthusiasm...
It is a warm break in an otherwise cold November afternoon. Lee and Charlie walk down a tree lined residential street. As Charlie trots ahead, Lee gazes above at the ever changing fall leaves. She thinks that it is an especially nice fall/winter this year because the changing of the seasons is apparent in the leaves. It isn't until she feels a tug at the leash that she realizes that she has walked past Charlie who is assuming that golfer-making-a-putt-stance of a dog about to "do his business." Lee fishes in her hoodie pouch for a bag only to find it empty. Frantic, she checks all four of her jean pockets all of which have nothing in them.
What could have happened to the bag? She never took Charlie on a walk without one. Vehemently detesting finding feces on her yard, she always went above and beyond not to be an offender.
She felt trapped. The lawn he had chose was several houses and blocks down from where she lived. She could not leave Charlie as collateral and there was no person to inform that she would swiftly return. As passionately as she felt about the matter, she certainly would not pick it up with her bare hands. No, she would finish the walk and return to pick up the waste.
She returned to the yard as soon as she had put the dog in her house and gotten a bag only to see a woman standing on her nearby front porch with a smirk on her face. She is a Margo Martindale archetype but not when she's white trash, Southern, Million Dollar Baby. This version of Margo Martindale is more like the tell it like it is shrink from Orphan. Lee smiles uncomfortably in acknowledgement as she shapes the bag to scoop up Charlie's mess.
Lady: It's finally nice to put a face to all this mess.
Lee: (Confused) Uh-- Excuse me?
Lady: (Steps off her porch and makes her way to Lee; nods her head to the pile of feces) Let's just say that there have been quite a few piles showing up in my yard over the last month.
Lady: (Crosses her arms disdainfully) And it's not just me that's having this problem. The entire neighborhood has had incidents.
Lee: (Trying to be as polite as possible) Actually, I have been having the same problem and I live just a couple--
Lee turns slightly to point down the street to her house but is interrupted by Lady's condescending chuckle.
Lady: Of course you do.
Lee: (after an uncomfortable silence) I don't know what impression I've given you but I've come back after the fact to clean up--
Lady: Yeah, this time.
Lee: Umm, I never even walk this way and when I do I walk on the other side of the street. This is the first time he's even--
Lady: Oh, am I supposed to be flattered you graced my yard with your special doggie doodoo?
Lee: What?! No! Look, I'm sorry I didn't pick his mess up sooner but I forgot my bag--
Lady: (Nods) That's very convenient, isn't it?
Lee: Well, I'm here now, back as fast as I could from getting to my house. Technically, it (waving at the spot the poo previously was) was only briefly there.
Lady: So it's alright then?
Lee: No! It's not alright but the main point is that I came back.
A man walking a golden retriever and his wife approach.
Man: Hey, Silvia. Is there a problem?
Lady: (Smiles with satisfaction and points to Lee) I think I've found the "culprit."
Man: (Exchanges glances with Lady and his wife) There's such a thing as responsible dog ownership.
Lee: This is too much. I came here to clean up after my dog not to deal with the neighborhood watch.
Wife: (Takes a picture of Lee with her camera phone) Don't need the Neighborhood watch now do we?
With a bag of dog mess in tow, Lee abruptly turns away from them. They insult and make idle threats that are barely audible over the chaos in Lee's mind. Soon that snapshot would be spread out among the neighborhood. People would peer suspiciously at her as she and Charlie would walk by. They would whisper in hushed tones that every foreign pile of feces found had to belong to Lee's dog.
Lee would have to move.
[Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm music]
283 views and 1 response
Nov 26 2011, 2:47 PMJeff Hammel responded:I'm not convinced Curb Your Enthusiasm is that much more over the top than real life. I've just had too many Larry David experiences like the one you describe.
I like the detail of the golden retriever owner walking by. I can just imagine Larry David's face as the other dog owner walks up...