I'm sick of you, ya bastards!
That's right. I am fed up of all of you. You think you're so cute with your soft fur and your pointy ears but I assure you that you aren't. Okay, I am addressing the group of cats that frequent my yard so I know that they will never read this. However, I must protest. Be gone!
As you may have read in this blog, I despise cats. I hate the way they look and move. I hate their personalities. I want nothing to do with them. This in turn makes me desirable to them. Cats find me fascinating because I do not only want to not be their friend, I don't want them around at all. If I am in a group of people, a cat will single me out as the one it wants pets from. It doesn't matter if the other people are calling it. This is all well and good mostly because I do not go where cats are. I avoid them, thus the sidestepping the problem.
But a couple of months ago cats started popping up in my backyard. One by one they started hanging out on my deck and in my planter. They are not strays. Two of them have collars and they are all very healthy looking. I do not encourage them with food or attention. They just keep showing up separately almost everyday. There are the three, which I refer to as Trooper, Princess and Big Boy.
Trooper is a very small male gray cat. I don't know if he is full grown or not His name is actually not Trooper. I call him that because his idea of fun is climbing on my fence and hopping from roof to roof. He is the most palatable one of the bunch because he leaves me alone for the most part.
Then there's Princess, at least that's what her fuzzy hot pink collar says. Princess is mostly white with black spots. She is the friendly one. She always has to sit near me when I am outside. She likes to rub her scent on me. When I tell her to go away, she saunters over to a rail post on my deck and puts her paws up really high and then arches her back in a stretch. It's all as if to say, "Aren't I pretty?" She wants inside the house badly and tries to sneak in every time the door is open. She's also taken to hanging out around the car which is problematic because when I am in a hurry to go someplace, she won't move. I shoo her and she barely moves out of the way. Sometimes I have to actually start the car and slowly back out of the driveway for her to get the message.
Lastly, there is Big Boy. He wears no collar and is skittish. He'll hover around me but just far enough away that I can't touch him (not that I'd want to). He is a large black and gray marbled cat and is quite pretty. What he does that really annoys me is that he has killed a bird and brought it to me twice. Apparently all my cat people friends say that is a sign of respect and affection. Isn't that funny how things like that work? The cat thinks he is paying me a very special honor and I am disgusted about the poor dead bird on my stoop that I have to clean up.
While I am irked that my house is the new hip cat hangout, what really sends me over the edge is all the catshit. Many a time I've been walking around in my yard and nearly stepped on a pile. I have to pick it up because I don't want to have a minefield of feces on my lawn and it kills my grass. I realize the outdoor cat's litter box is wherever it wants it to be. A cat can go to the bathroom wherever it pleases and go away. It doesn't have to worry about a full litter box. My grass is probably just the same as any grass to them and when they've got to go they go.
What little bastards. I've had enough of all of you. I'm sick of you following me around. I'm sick of you killing innocent birds and leaving me to clean up. Mostly, I am going to be so livid smoke is going to shoot out of my ears if I have to pick up your crap again. It isn't a pleasant job even when you're cleaning up after your own pet but YOU ARE NOT MY PETS! I don't feed you. I don't like you and I don't want anything to do with you. I realize that I can't effectively stop you from coming in my yard. I don't have time to sit out there all day and chase you away. Maybe I will get a mean dog. How would you like that? You'd stroll into my yard to do you business and be chased out by a snarling beast.
Until then, I will enjoy the rain because the cats stay away when it is raining.