Funny amazon review snippets


So I was looking around on amazon the other day and found a few reviews that made me laugh.  

Most involve movies, so there may be some spoilers in there...


On the 1988 ghost story Lady in White, one reviewer pondered:

"This story suffers from trying to cover too many topics: a film set in a 1962 rural town, a ghost or horror story, and murder mystery that involves a serial killer. It doesn't do any of these things well, the aims are conflicting. I think it is quite unlikely for a serial killer to operate within a small rural town because of its society. You need the impersonal life of a big city for a serial killer to operate ["Devil in the White City"]. Small-town society is famous for the interest shown in neighbors and passers-by. Any dog would bark at a stranger too, even if in a car. The lack of dogs is another anachronism. It is more likely that a teen-age boy in 1962 would have a .22 rifle or 20 gauge shotgun to shoot at targets than a bow and arrow."

Ok, I don't know if this is just me but has this person given too much thought to murder?  He has a very well crafted methodology of why the most unfeasible thing in a cheesy ghost story is that the serial killer never got caught.  And Lucas Haas is not a teenager in that movie, not even close.  I think a bow and arrow is appropriate for someone 10 or under.

In regard to The Midnight Horror Collection: Bloody Slashers four for the price of one DVD...

"SECRETS OF THE CLOWN: The acting is so bad I thought I was watching a porno. This one is just an obvious attempt to scare people that have a clown phobia. Which it might do considering that all it takes is "a clown" in that case. A better title might have been "The Clown Whisperer" since I still don't know the secret of the clown after my viewing."

This is one of the best reviews I've seen of a bad movie on the site.  I literally laughed out loud and felt the buyer's sense of disappointment over buying this movie as well has how he/she desperately wanted the time watching Secrets of the Clown back.  All I'm curious about are what the actual secrets of the Clown are. 

On the Star Wars blu ray set...

"to my surprise and utter horror he is adding the Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOOOOO" from the end of Sith to the end of Jedi.
Haven't you desecrated our childhood memories enough without adding that laughable "NOOOOOOOOO" to Jedi when Vader picks up the Emperor and tosses him into the pit?
And Obi Wan's new Krayt Dragon call?
Alec Guiness is rolling in his grave right now making the same sound.
I'll never buy these versions.
Especially after reading this latest blasphemy.
Star Wars on Blu Ray...recommended???

I concur.  It's hard to sound convincing yelling out "NOOOOOO!" If you're Hayden Christiansen it's doubly so.  I'm also in the camp that George Lucas shouldn't touch those original films except for a retouch here and there.

About David Fincher's The Game...

"...So this guy is to believe he's murdered the last living member of his family and had his assets, finance, career, friends, integrity, pride and identity taken away from him, just for the purpose of his drop-kick, powdered nosed brother wanting him to relax and enjoy life a little more. The ending was so unbelievably far fetched it made my skin crawl. What would they have done if the guy decided to throw himself of the other side of the building, or blow his brains out, or even thrown himself in front of a bus???
...PA - LEASE!!!"

Ever hear of suspension of disbelief?  I mean, in Die Hard With a Vengeance when Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson swing off a bridge on a wire grounded by a pickup truck onto a boat passing underneath were you doing physics equations trying to figure out their trajectory?

I do agree that the ending was a bit much and also wondered if the operatives in "the game" had back up plans for other ways he could try to kill himself.  Plus, if I had a sibling and they put me through that shit and had the nerve to foot me for the bill for my birthday torture, I just might throw him off the roof...  The side without the cushion...


This is a review of the film The Notebook...

"I borrowed my sister in laws DVD of this movie cause everyone told me how romantic it was. What they neglectecd to inform me was that it was an emotional roller coaster through out the movie in which I wanted to kick my tv, plus I didnt know I'd need to watch it with a whole box of tissues. I was either mad or cried throughout the entire movie! But I figured it was ok as long as it had a happy ending. I'm not gonna say too much there for those of you who hasnt see it yet, but what the heck was that ending about? That was soooo sad I was blubbering like a baby. Needless to say, after the movie I was so upset I actually threw the remote control."

Not to discount this woman's pain, but I would pay good money to see someone simulataneously sobbing and thrashing about angrily.



This person explains the worst nightmare that could happen with the iRobot Roomba 780 Vacuum Cleaning Robot for Pets and Allergies...

"This seemed well and good at first, but I noticed some strange behaviors. At first it started out minor enough with the iRobot Roomba 780 scheduling itself more often then I had originally input. An occasional cleaning here and there that was extra, no big deal. Then it became slightly more aggressive as it started overriding my schedules and inputting its own schedules that included a nearly round the clock workload. I was slightly off-put, not overly worried. The Roomba then became erratic and appeared to be rearranging the room upon its will for items it calibrated itself strong enough to move. I finally became concerned when I returned home on Thursday to find my dog caged within pillows and chairs while my cat was tree'd in our fake tree, a 6' ficus ( but that can be described later. The Roomba 780 was in a "Patrol" setting that I had never seen before upon my arrival with both my animals terrified. This was in my downstairs and I was truly perplexed especially seeing the terror on the face of Dr. Shivago (my dog) and Captain Mittens (my cat). I had a few warning flags raised needless to say, but the last straw was going upstairs. I previously thought the Roomba 780 was unable to traverse stairs, but when I arrived at my 9 year old son's room I found Skylar bound to a chair and what could only have been water boarded as I saw the cloth and my empty lemonade pitcher (it had sunflowers on it). Upon site I immediately returned downstairs to find that the Roomba had taken a defensive position in a standard 2 by 2 flank approach while appearing to use the microwave in a strategic convergence formation. It was terrifying. The remote had clearly been destroyed so the only way to stop the Roomba 780 was with a manual shutdown. His calculated moves made him nearly impossible to intercept for a manual shutdown."

Is this person for real?  I can't help but think this is some kind of joke but a well executed one.  I have a hard time believing roomba turned into HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Maybe it was mad he/she named it something as stupid as the cat and dog (Dr Shivago and Captain Mittens, in case you forgot).  Mister Squeaky Cleanipoo perhaps?  Maybe this should be a short film about a grown person and a 9 year old trying to catch and destroy a super roomba that can travel upstairs and use a microwave.


About the Brita Atlantis Water Pitcher...

"I have tried this product with two different types of water and it tasted the same. It is just an expensive jar."

Maybe your tap water is actually fine tasting.  It's water not wine.  There aren't going to be too many nuances and differences in taste.  I don't know what you were expecting it to do.  


Here's a review of Nordic Ware 64802 Microwave Egg Boiler...

"Add me to the list of those who had this thing explode in the microwave. Mine exploded just after the cooking time was complete & I opened the microwave door. Egg bits all over the kitchen. Dented in the ceiling of the microwave; I'm sure the microwave would have been destroyed had the door not been open."

Geez, that sounds like a bomb instead of an egg cooking device.  The funny thing is that this is a very highly reviewed device.  Either it cooks eggs in the microwave perfectly or some poor person has hot eggs explode on them as soon as they open the microwave.   


That's it for now.  I'll post more as I find them.


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